


HiveR Gaming

by Hiver_Frost_Elf



Series: The Tales of HiveR Wells [2]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Crack, Crash Bandicoot - Freeform, Dialogue-Only, Gaming, Gen, Humor, Mick & Len in Chapter 2, Nerdiness, Rated for Language & Innuendos, Spyro - Freeform, YouTube, this fic has taught me that my gaming skahillz have become rustier than an old car
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 12:30:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10876824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiver_Frost_Elf/pseuds/Hiver_Frost_Elf
Summary: After ensuring HR’s facial transmogrifier worked on the internet, HFE invited him to guest star on his YouTube channel.





	1. Spyro Wednesday

**Author's Note:**

> This installment of The Tales of HiveR Wells (which I hadn’t planned on being a series but couldn’t not make it a series after conceiving this fic) is much more lighthearted than the last one, thank everything! You shouldn’t need to read that in order to understand this. Just know that Twix, Abbi, Tiger, and Hobbes are my cats.

HFE: Welcome, everybody, to Spyro Wednesday.  Y’all know me—HFE—but you don’t know my buddy HR.  If you don’t like him, FUCK YOU!

HR: Greetings, interwebs!

HFE: As you can probably tell, HR is not native to America, and one of the many things he’s yet to encounter is the Spyro franchise; so I figured that’d be the perfect set up for a reaction video.  HR, I’ve got Spyro 1 loaded up right now; what are your thoughts?

HR: The graphics are... quirky.

HFE: Would you care to elaborate, sir?

HR: They’re not as good as the ones on Francisco’s games.

HFE: That’s because Cisco plays newfangled stuff that'll turn you into a serial killer.  I play classy classics!  Enough stalling, let’s go!  We’re going through Misty Bog first cuz it’s horrendous.  It’s got frogs that whip you and bushes that eat you and not a lot of butterflies.  I hated this level as a kid.

HR: Why not just skip it?  And what butterflies for???

HFE: Cuz we’re shooting for 100% completion, my friend.  No gem shall be missed, no dragon shall remain trapped, and no flight level shall be not flown!

HR: Enemies becomes gems, and chickens become butterflies???

HFE: Yep! And that fancy-schmancy armor means we gotta charge ‘em! Flaming is a no-go!

HR: These bushes aren’t so bad.  Back home, we didn’t have flire breath to keep them from eating us alive.

HFE: Well, yeah they don’t look so bad to an adult, but when you’re a kid and the closest thing you’ve seen to these guys is a bunch of harmless decorations, these things moving around freak you out.

HR: Ooh, two paths!

HFE: We gotta go left first which leads to what I unaffectionately call the Death Hall. Hi, Hobbes.

HR: You complain about modern games turning people in serial killers, so does that mean your cat plays them?

HFE: Absolutely yes. He sneaks off behind my back and murders everyone between here and Cisco’s house.  GODAMMIT! THESE FREAKIN’ FROGS!!!  Give me gnorcs and warthogs any day instead of these tongue-lashers!  That’s death number one....  Death number two.

HR: Might I suggest hit-and-run tactics?

HFE: Yes, you may!  ....Beautiful! Fantastic, in and out in a lot less time than I estimated.  You’re awesome, HR!

HR: Why, thank you, HFE.  Ooh, what’s this?

HFE: That’s the chat.  They say things.  This is a small channel, so it’s usually the same ten or something people plus guests.

HR: ....WynterTwylight says, “Notice me, Hiver!”

HFE: Wyn, you’ve been noticed!

HR: Amber_Flicker, formerlyknownasyay, LadyErin, nlong, and analyticalAuthor would also like to be noticed.  Sparx is down again.

HFE: Amber_Flicker, Yay-sempai, LadyErin, nlong, and Double A, you’ve also been noticed!  KILL ME ALREADY SO I DON’T HAVE TO TOUCH THE GEMS!

HR: Germaphobic are we?

HFE: No—not that that’s a bad thing—it just takes forever to collect gems without ‘im.  Thank you, warthog, for death number three!

HR: How do you get over there?

HFE: You hop up here, glide over there, hop up these steps, and viola! The last gems!  We are outta here!  Time for Terrace Village.

HR: Initial thoughts, HFE???

HFE: I don’t remember this level at all, but once I enter it, it’ll come back to me, I’m sure.  ....Branching pathways!? Gross!

HR: Branching pathways are far from gross, my friend.  They prepare us for the multiple, complex decisions we must make throughout real life.

HFE: They also remind us why we like Crash Bandicoot better: linear level design.  I mean, yeah—ya gotta grab a secret gem once in a while and backtrack after collecting a colored gem—but for the most part, Crash levels test a gamer’s skill rather than a gamer’s ability to play hide-and-seek.  Even the bonus levels are on the way of the main level.

HR: And now the chat is debating the merits of Spyro versus Crash.

HFE: I will preface my statement with a caveat that by “Crash” and “Spyro”, I mean the original trilogy plus a Hero’s Tail for Spyro and Warped and Wrath of Cortex for Crash.  I just can’t even Crash 1; saving the goddamn game is just no.  Crash 2 is better, but it’s still ugh.  Warped is the high point, and while I do enjoy Wrath of Cortex, it has a lot of vehicles, including that freakin’ not-jetpack monstrosity and the yellow jacket plane I also hate.  Never fear, I will play through Wrath of Cortex because like I said, I do enjoy it even though in my opinion, Warped is superior in overall enjoyment.

HR: Now the chat’s wondering about your favorite Spyro game.

HFE: Uh... I don’t know, actually.  It’s probably 3 due to its skateboarding levels—I freakin’ loved those things as a kid.  Still do, but it’s been a while, so we’ll see if the nostalgia dopes me up when we get there.  I do know that it’s not 2 cuz 2 has a James Bond challenge in one of the Winter Wonderwhatever worlds that I always needed my dad to do for me cuz I could never do it.  You have to follow a dude without letting ‘im see you or letting him get too far ahead of you cuz I don’t remember exactly.  ....Electricity stings.  Thank you, Captain Obvious!  Ladies and gentlemen, I have unveiled the newest hotels.com commercial!

HR: It may be obvious to us as members of electricity-dependent cultures, but Spyro is a child living in a world with little, if any, technology.

HFE: Yeah, that’s true.  Holy crack! Sexy dragon!

HR: He may just be lounging.

HFE: No real life person lounges like that unless they want sex—what the fuck are you doing???

HR: I’m just lounging.  ....You ran right into that!  Clearly, you weren’t paying as much attention to your elder’s warning as you thought.

HFE: I thought it would dissipate by the time I got there!  This reminds me of the gear grind spark plug level in Spyro 2.

HR: Gear Grind Spark Plug. What an intriguing name....

HFE: I don’t remember what every single level is called.  It’s in the Summer world or whatever it’s called, and you gotta collect spark plugs cuz reasons.

HR: Maybe the reason why Spyro 2 is your least favorite is because it’s the least memorable.

HFE: It’s been a couple years, I can’t remember every last detail of every single game I play; I’m a busy gamer, HR!  Where are those last gems!?  Oh yeah, they’re stuck in the rocket boxes.

HR: The what???

HFE: Those metal crates I didn’t charge cuz I can’t.  Gotta bust ‘em open with rockets—and hey, there they are! Sweet!  Now we can move on to the easiest boss fight in the entire game; I would dare argue the entire franchise: Metalhead.  Why the fuck do they bother putting armor on these losers?  I’m just gonna charge ‘em anyway.

HR: What are those green things?

HFE: Those are its legs.

HR: Oh, okay. I thought they were something highly inappropriate.

HFE: HR Randolf, get your brain out the gutter!  Just because you live life down in the trenches doesn’t mean everybody else does!

HR: Well, I’m in good company because theoneandonlyzoom agrees with me.  ....Really, sir? You do realize that Zoom terrorized our fair city for months???

HFE: That’s what I said when Jitters unveiled the Zoom!  What else are they hiding on their secret menu: an Osama bin Latte!? A KKK cappuccino!?!  AND WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING LIKE THAT!?!?!

HR: I’m lounging!  ....You gracefully missed the gem and fell off the ledge.

HFE: Damn straight, I did!

HR: And now you got hit by stealth bananas.

HFE: Good thing there’s a bunch of chickens over here.

HR: And now you fell in the slime.

HFE: Again, plenty of chickens.  Gotta jump up here, grab these gems, and glide.

HR: You fell.

HFE: Yep.

HR: You fell again. Third time’s the charm!  Aaaand you fell again.

HFE: Luckily, the boss fight involves no flight.  The only entertainment anybody receives from me doing the flight levels is betting on how many tries it takes me to succeed at them.  The chat ran a charity drive during my run of Wild Flight; we ended up raising a little over 2000 dollars for the local Humane Society.  Which doesn’t sound like a lot of money, but again, this is pretty small channel, so that’s 1980 more dollars more than I expected it to raise.

HR: Not so good at those are we?

HFE: Let me put it this way, imagine Flash running on ice and not having arms to brace himself when he falls; that’s how bad I am at these things.  Flight levels in 2 and 3 are considerably easier; they also add Hunter challenges, and those are usually fun.

HR: ....Ooh! All these older posts are condolences for Twix dying.  Zoom recommends “lounging with your handsome friend therapy, preferably on camera”.  He’s also included several nifty diagrams where we are in various stages of undress and one where we are sharing an Osama bin Latte.

HFE: Of course he did.  The only source of caffeine I consume is Code Red Mountain Dew!

HR: Your camera is positioned ever so cleverly to hide all your empty cans.  ....You said this was the easiest boss level, but you’ve died twice.

HFE: Like you said, HR, third time’s the charm.

HR: You also failed after that.

HFE: Yeah, well this time I succeeded, jerk! Ha!

HR: I like Zoom’s latest art: me feeding you a banana.

HFE: It’s not a banana, is it?

HR: Nope!

HFE: #BlockZoom—no, no, no! Don’t actually block ‘im; it’s a running gag.  Unless he’s posting that stuff publicly.  If it’s just to me privately, it’s fine.

HR: Ooooh, gonna save your favorites for later, HFE???

HFE: ....You and I have different faves.

HR: I am saving these on my phone forever.  Zoom, if I weren’t currently lounging, I would bow to you.

HFE: I’ve completed our last Spyro level for today, everybody.  Tune in tomorrow for Crash Thursday.  Next week, I’ll make sure HR has alcohol on hand so he can participate in the Spyro Wednesday drinking game.

HR: There’s a drinking game???

HFE: It’s basically take a shot every time I fail at a flight level, wonder where the last gems are, supercharge into a wall, fail to glide to my intended destination, roll to my death, or lose a life.  Full rules are on the HFE Gaming reddit—link’s in the description.  Make sure to like, comment, & subscribe.  Invite your friends to Crash Thursday, happening live tomorrow at nine PM EST. Goodbye!

HR: Farewell, friends!  Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay happy!


	2. Crash Thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was watching Game Attack and thought, “Craig looks like a younger version of Mick with a hat”, so I ran with that this chapter. And you can’t have Mick without Len, so he’s here too.
> 
> In other news, did I flippin' edit this AT ALL before I posted it? Cuz I've scanned it five times and have found typos all 5 times! Sheesh!

*Len’s sitting on the left side (from the viewer’s POV) of a plain blue couch with a laptop in his lap, HR’s sitting on the opposite side with a chubby tabby cradled in his arms, Mick’s sitting in the middle with a calico in his lap, and HFE’s lounging in a red armchair with a black and white cat dominating the footrest.  Mick is wearing an HFE Gaming hat.*

HFE: Welcome, everybody, to Crash Thursday!  We’ve got three special guests today: Len, Mick, and HR; if you don’t like ‘em, FUCK YOU!!!

*Len smirks at the camera, Mick nods, and HR grins.*

HFE: Sorry we’re starting hideously late tonight, everybody.  I was welcoming Len and Mick back to Central.  They just got back from a crummy business trip, so Mick might not be super chatty today.  With that in mind, let’s begin. *Moves closer to camera in order to turn on Playstation*  We’re gonna do some secret levels today.  I’ve always known about Eggipus Rex, but what I only found out about today was a secret Coco level.

Len *clicks a button on the laptop to pull up the game screen and shifts the living room screen to the top right corner of the screen*: How’d you find out about this secret Coco level, Frosty?

HFE *the game fails to start, so HFE resets the machine*: I was watching a how to get to the secret dino level earlier today in order to not need to look it up during today’s livestream, and the video I clicked on stated “Two Secret Levels” in the title, and I was like “what in the whaty what WHAT???” then was like “I never knew that.  This is, like, the most mind-blowing information since we discovered that the planet was round!” *Resets machine again* So I’m playing a level I’ve never seen before today, folks. *Pops disc out of Playstation, wipes it off with shirt, then pops it back in. Waits. Resets machine once more.*

Len *chuckles*: Maybe you should’ve prepared for this livestream by making sure the game works.  *HR cackles behind his hand.  Tiger flops off and hops onto the top tier of the nearby cat tree.  Len checks the chat while the system is rebooting.* WynterTwylight, you've been noticed.

*HFE turns back to face Len.*

HFE: Yeah, well, this is what happens when you leave on crummy business trips: tech fails to work!  Oh, hey, the game’s finally on! Thank god!  We’re starting off with Deep Trouble’s time trial cuz I hate swimming levels. *To camera* Someone confirm that this is my last swimming level!

HR: This is a slow vehicle.

*Crash suddenly lurches forward.*

HFE: Forgot I could boost!

Len: How the hell do you forget that you can boost?

HFE: I don’t do these that often, Len, okay??? Geez!  *Crash inflates to death via puffer fish.  HFE rushes through the level again.*  ....Just gotta maneuver between these bombs... *Crash explodes*

HFE: Crack!

*HFE achieves the relic at last and moves on to Dino Might!*

HFE: Luckily, I already got everything for this level anyway, so we’re gonna head straight over to Eggipus Rex. *Crash hops onto the yellow gem platform, then allows the second pterodactyl to whisk him away.*

*After HFE nabs the gem and the relic.*

Len: Hey, you did something competently!

*HR applauds genuinely.*

HFE *sighs*: And now, everybody, raise your beer cans and shot glasses cuz now it’s time for a racing level: Road Crash.

*Five minutes later, HFE has made no headway in collecting this level’s jewels.*

Len *checks chat, becomes confused and amused*: I’m going to assume there’s context for this and inform you that theoneandonlyzoom says, “This level must be HR’s stealth banana cuz you suck at it.”

HFE *grumbles*: Len and Mick missed this week’s edition of Spyro Wednesday, but Zoom didn’t....  The only good thing about HiveR is that everyone is FINALLY over Coldwavelf.

Len *smirks at theoneandonlyoom’s HiveRColdwave gallery*: Not exactly, kid.

*HR saves every last piece to his phone.*

HFE *not truly angry, just putting on a show for the viewers at home*: NOBODY ASKED YOU, YOU FUCKING TERRORIST!!!  I am a strong, independent gamer; I don’t need no man! Or men! #BlockZoom.

*HFE fails Road Crash for the last time.  Mick looms next to him.  Abbi departs.*

Mick: Gimme the controller.

HFE: Noooooo! I'm doing better each time!

Len: You missed every single box and boost panel while hitting every single opponent, police car, and sinkhole.

Mick: Controller. Now.

*HFE reluctantly hands it over.  Mick effortlessly nabs the gem and the crystal before circling back to snag the relic.  HFE giddily cheers his gratitude before Mick returns the controller.*

Len *balks at HFE returning to Road Crash*: Why are you going back, you fool!?

HFE: BECAUSE this is where the secret Coco level is!  You gotta hit an alien sign on the left side of the road near the beginning of Road Crash!  See!? See!?!

Len: I see a crap ton of water.  Need help with this one too, strong, independent gamer?

HFE: I only suck at swimming levels.  I am a boss at jet ski levels!

HR: I can see that by how you rammed directly into those nitro boxes.  This has been an extremely educational lesson about how you cannot conquer nostalgia.

HFE: Shut up! I got this!  ....Ta-da!

*Len and Mick give HFE a synchronized, sarcastic clap and a half.  Even HR’s enthusiasm has died.*

HFE *chucks controller at HR*: Okay fine then, geniuses, y’all do a level!

*HR enters High Time after a quick tutorial.*

*Uka Uka and Cortex appear.  Nobody’s paying attention until Uka Uka’s parting threat.*

Uka Uka: I will unleash terror upon the universe!

Hiver: Oh, so you’re gonna send us on a business trip???  Shots fired! #LosersofTomorrow.

*HR spends ten seconds floundering on the first trampoline before Hiver tells him how to double jump.  HR does reasonably well until he falls to Crash’s death.*

Len: Don’t sweat it, HR, this is not the easiest level for beginners; and as our drama prince has shown us, none of these levels are easy.

HFE *looks down at the cat indifferently snoozing next to his legs*: Hobbes, go murder those jerks!

*Hobbes lifts his head then lowers it back into his paws.*

HFE *grumbles*: Traitor....

*HR finally slogs through High Time and faces off against N Tropy.*

HFE: Okay, okay, this is the easiest Crash boss in the entire game—possibly the entire franchise—you can do this, HR!

HR *skeptical*: The last time you claimed a boss was the easiest boss in a franchise, you died twice.

HFE: Yeah, well all you gotta do is crawl, jump, and spin.  My baby brother could beat N Tropy without dying.

*HR is obliterated by the first red-orange orb of death.*

HR: I thought I was supposed to crawl under that!

HFE: No! You need to jump over the first one!

HR: You said “crawl, jump, and spin”, I was following your orders!

HFE: You don’t do them in the exact order!!!

*HR dies to a laser log.*

HFE: Fuck!

*HR tears up*

HFE: Hey, hey, it's okay! We got this, HR!

*And there's much rejoicing when HR wins*

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking time to read this :) enjoy what you do here & everywhere!


End file.
